Yes, I am still alive (falling is not the same as failure)


One of those things in life that seems to reach out and grab you from behind in a way that only a horror movie can do is realizing that you’ve fallen off the wagon…but falling is not the same as failure.  I have come to realize in the year since my last posting that I fell off the wagon in a profound and glorious manner…but that for some reason, not being happy with my weight was the only thing in my life that I wasn’t happy with.  My job is awesome, my husband supportive, my friends and family all in good places.  Even my dogs are (mostly) behaving on a daily basis.  I couldn’t ask for more.

Then I looked in the mirror.

I started this blog five YEARS ago after a horrific loss left me bereft of any emotional stability and I threw myself haphazardly into Ideal Protein’s alternative plan that I was given from a family member who was wildly successful with it.  In three months I went from a ballooning 192 lbs down to an acceptable 162 lbs.   30 pounds in 30 days!  And I even got a fantastic pair of shoes to show for it.  Then, life happened and I went back to eating dinner out, snacking when I wasn’t hungry, and my metabolism (and the rest of my body) turned 30.

The weight initially crept back on, slithering around my thighs and hips like a layer of snakes, one pound at a time, until I stepped on the scale a year ago and it whimpered in defeat.  214 pounds.  Oh, my god.  Not only have I broken 200 pounds, I did it without noticing.  How the hell did that happen?!?  I will say that I’ve managed to maintain that 214 pounds for the last year, dipping down to 208 periodically just to see if I could.  But now it’s time for me to take a look not in the mirror, not at the scale, but at my plate, and at my feet, because it’s not the image that bothers me.  It’s the fact that I know I’m not putting good food into my body, I knowthat I’m not exercising as much as I should be, and you know what?  I have no excuses.

So, starting tomorrow, for at least tomorrow, I am going to make better choices.  Even if only for a day, that will make it better than today was, because a bowl of Lucky Charms at 6AM, followed by half a croissanwich from Burger King at 9, sub sandwich around noon and hardees for dinner does not a healthy diet make.

Tomorrow, I may not be back on the wagon, but I’m going to at least start to try and catch up to it.