Peanut…Peanut Butter…and Carbs!

So I’ll admit, I have a guilty pleasure.

Every day, our German Shepherd/Husky needs arthritis prevention pills, which he gets in the morning and again at night.  Well…GNC made the pills “peanut butter” flavored, which is an extremely bold lie.  They smell like something died in the bottle and is half-way decomposed.  Needless to say, poor Dante (dog) is NOT willing to eat those on their own.

Dante, my best buddy

So, to liven things up a little, I decide to coat the pills in ACTUAL peanut butter (we had Jif Reduced Fat) which he looooves.  Unfortunately, so do I!  So occasionally I’d grab a scoop of peanut butter and just eat it right out of the jar (I’m such a barbarian, I know).  Let’s face it though, there are some days that you just need a spoonfull of peanut butter to make the crap of life go down (sorry Mary Poppins, couldn’t help myself).  I actually took the time to read the damn label at one point, don’t ask how long ago because it was long enough that I REALLY should have known better.  Let’s talk about some fun filled reading shall we?  The “Reduced Fat” Jif (which I looove so much) :

Reduced Fat Jif label

We have 13 grams of NET carbs (that’s total minus fiber btw), 12g fat, 190 calories, and 7g of protein.  That’s still “restricted” in the carb category for me, not to mention the “bonus” of 12g of fat, all for a piddly 7g of protein?  Alright fine, I might be up on my high horse about the unfairness of the all, but that didn’t stop me from dipping a butter knife into the golden goodness of peanut butter and having a bit for myself.  However, I did decide if i was going to be sneaking peanut butter (because it’s totally secret that everyone can now read that I sneak peanut butter), that I needed to change up my drug of choice.

Yesterday I went to our local supermarket and picked up “the necessities”.  Not to get off on too long of a rant, but “necessities” has never ended up being “just” necessities.  Naw, I got fruit snacks in Star Wars shapes and some Cinnamon Toast Crunch for my husband to have for random snacks, picked up a Glade air freshener thing, none of which were on my list, a list which only consisted of: toilet paper, peanut butter, milk.  Awe, oh well, such is life.  Back to the peanut butter!

So I was in the Peanut butter, Jelly, and Bread aisle at the store (let’s face it people, that is a BRILLIANT marketing strategy) and I looked at my options; holy crap Batman, the world of Peanut Butter is rife with drama, intrigue and like 45 selections to choose from.  I check out the “natural” peanut butters and come to a conclussion for carbs:  Jif “Natural” has 8g of carbs, and 2g of fiber (=6net carbs), and its second ingredient is SUGAR! “Simply Jif” (which I unfortunately didn’t take the time to find in the store and just now noticed on the website) only has 6g of carbs and 2g of fiber (=4net carbs!), and sugar was the second to last ingredient listed on the label.  Smuckers was in close second, and the winner (for me) was Skippy Natural.   Unfortunately, 20/20 hindsight has informed me that this was a poorer choice than Simply Jif, as this too has sugar as the second ingredient.  The only difference in this case is that Skippy only has 4 ingredients in the peanut butter, making it pretty manageable.

 

So now, when I scoop a bit of peanut butter, I’m now taking in 4g of carbs, instead of the original 13.  Skippy Natural peanut butter…$3.25…knowing that I’m getting only 1/3 of the carbs I originally was eating from peanut butter = priceless.  Now, all I have to do is get the damn dog to stop staring at the jar longingly every morning, that’s my job.

 

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More sleep…please?

So…I’m sleeping, blissfully, and wake up at 4:00AM…to pee…downside of this diet, I pee, frequently.  So I’m awake, I pee, I flush, I wash, I drag my sorry self back to bed, and what happens?  My smallest pet, a cat named Lance, nicknamed “Critter” starts this extremely pitiful cry.  It’s almost like a kitten’s mew, but a little more gravelly.  So he starts serenading me at 4:10AM or so…and I do my best to A) Ignore him, then B) Placate him and have him come lay on me so I can pet him and shut him up, followed by C) Throw an empty water bottle at him as his volume increases, finally by D) Picking his sorry as up and taking him to one of the only rooms in the house safe to stash him in;the bathroom.  Now before you call PETA on me, he has his litter box in there and I also put a little plate of food in for him.  He really only needed to survive 3 hours before it was time for me to ACTUALLY get out of bed.

I go back to bed, prepared for bliss (with a headache throbbing in my temples now), and start dozing off…until about 4:30 when Mokka, Lance’s big brother starts singing.  He does a cross between a yowl, a vibrator and Barry Manilow, and it’s just his thing.  He can’t get to Lance, so he’s pissed, and yowling at the damn door to the bathroom.  Well, I can’t really shove BOTH of the cats in the bathroom, it is pretty small to start with, and I could only imagine the terror they would wreck in that poor room.  I can hear him from the back of the house, and just pray he shuts the hell up after realizing Lance is truly stuck.  Nope, he is resilient, determined, and f*cking stubborn as hell!

Pillow over my head, I pray that one of the two dogs we have (German shepherd/husky mix or bordercollie/bassethound/lab mix) gets tired of the crying and goes and kills the cat.  The shepherd is still snoring on the floor, so he obviously wasn’t moving.  Then I hear the basset wake up, Nero is his name.  You can tell when he wakes up because the first thing he does is wag his tail.  Most dogs wag their tail and it’s cute.  He wags his tail and 30 miles away a tornado crushes an apartment complex.  You can hear it against his kennel, the wall, you name it, and it is LETHAL.  Thud Thud Thud CRASH is a common sound in this house.  So anyways, he wakes up, but unfortunately he’s on the lower totem pole of dominance, so he won’t go get Mokka, nope, but he’s upset about the situation, so what does he do?  He starts to whine.  His whine is an ear splitting high pitch and I’m laying in bed thinking…is it a felony or misdemeanor to kill 3 animals in one night?  I’d spend so much less on food…and I’d sleep so much better every night…

At 5:15AM I break.  My husband,Kris is next to me and I can tell he’s as pissed as me, at least, and we BOTH need to get up in about 2 hours at this point, and the pets aren’t showing any sign of stopping.  I decide to take one for the team, grab a spare blanket out of my closet, and stumble to the living room, opening the bathroom door on my way by.  By the time I make it to the couch I have a procession of Big(118lb) White Dog, Big Mokka Cat, Small (60lb)Black Dog, Small Black/Gray Cat, trailing behind me (no I’m not shitting you, it was ridiculous).  I stumble onto the couch, curl up in the fetal position, have the small black dog jump up on the couch next to me, the big white dog on the ottomon directly in front of my face basically, the small black/gray cat jumps up above my head to sit in the window, and Mokka sits on the rug looking up at us like we’re all crazy.

It took about 20 minutes for the 4 to calm down, but then I got to fall asleep…until 6:38AM when it was time for the dogs to go outside and go pee on something…as I walk back into the house and turn to shut the door, all I hear behind me is “mew, mew” thud thud thud “bark” thud thud CRASH “yowl”, and I sighed, my morning had begun…